When I began reading The Power and the Glory, I saw myself reflected in the main character’s personal crisis.
He himself consistently came up short of his own standards, and he admitted, “My life is marked by a succession of failures which left their traces on my work.” He’s honest about his own failings and the bitterness of feeling that his faith was exacting a terrible cost in a world that was opposed to his beliefs. They’re profoundly Catholic even while they explore the dark edges of faith.
Graham Greene always felt out of place, too, which is why his novels are so conflicted. I was stuck between a conviction that I had a specific purpose in life and the crushing realization that I was wholly inadequate to fulfill that purpose. Instead, I was sensitive, questioning, and introverted. To not be a phony, the transformation needed to be genuine – but an honest assessment revealed that this simply wasn’t who I was. I wanted to be able to flash a million-dollar smile, to remember everyone’s name right away, and give amazing sermon illustrations. I wanted to be seen as an extroverted, confident, insightful leader. To do so, it seemed necessary to attain a certain glossy exterior and adopt a successful pastor-personality. Even while wrestling with my faith, I was strongly considering becoming an evangelical pastor. I wasn’t Catholic, but Greene’s account of a priest struggling for survival just after the Cristero rebellion influenced me deeply.Īll my life, I thought I needed to change my identity to a new, better one. A specific book that still lingers in my memory is Graham Greene’s The Power and the Glory, a fictional novel set during the 1930’s, a time when the Mexican government was persecuting the Catholic Church. Books affected me immensely and I did crazy things like read Kerouac’s On the Road and immediately hop in the car for an all-night drive across the state of Arkansas.īut books also helped to rescue me. The one good habit I managed to develop during this period was to become a reader. I wasn’t sleeping and my mental health was suffering.
I’m sure we all have growing pains, but I was full-steam ahead on a serious spiritual crisis. In college, struggling with self-identity, trying to become a responsible adult with limited success, confused about my religious faith and lashing out like a wounded toddler, I was in need of an intervention. I’m not just talking about the fact that I had bleached my hair blond and refused to shop anywhere that wasn’t a thrift store. You don't have to be perfect to accomplish great things.īack in the late ’90s, I was a bit of a mess.
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